Powerful Listening: The Way of, “What Else?”
It is often said that the greatest barrier to effective communication is that we listen to respond, instead of listening to understand.
Psychology Today posted this article: The Absolutely Vital Importance of Listening. It got me thinking about a form of listening my wife and I sometimes practice. We call it ‘The Way of What Else.'
The rule is, that the listener sits with whomever is doing the talking, and the only words they say are "What Else..?"
After the Talker expresses a thought, the listener remains quiet – giving them time & space to explore whether or not the thought is complete. After 10 seconds or so, if they haven’t started talking again, the listener responds with “What Else..?” The question is posed kindly, and with genuine curiosity.
Talker: “So-and-so did this today, and it made me so freaking MAD. I can’t believe that they could do such a thing…”
Listener: “What else..?”
Talker: “After that happened, another so-and-so said this…”
Listener: “What else…?”
Talker: “I really felt this… so I did this… and it reminded me of this…”
Listener: “What else…?”
This interplay can go on for quite some time, and the listener may hear things they don’t necessarily agree with. BUT – truly listening isn’t about the listener. It’s about being present for someone else - the Talker, who has something they need to express.
Truly listening means that the listener takes their agenda, opinions and reactions out of the equation. It means that the listener creates the space for the Talker to explore their own experience - free from judgement, pressure and expectation. It means that the listener lets go of any impulse to direct, control or otherwise influence the Talker’s experience.
When revelations occur, the listener can affirm the Talker’s experience through body language or a simple nod or "yes". If it seems like there is more to come, the listener can say again (you guessed it!), "What else..?" This allows the Talker to stay present with themselves and to follow their story to its end (or beginning).
What is beautiful about this experience is that more often than not, the Talker will walk themselves through precisely the conversation the listener would have had with them – had they interjected their own thoughts into the dialogue.
What is powerful about it, is that the Talker gets to discover for themselves, the depth of their own wisdom, insight and experience. They get to own their journey and learning.
It’s not always easy, but it’s powerful, and you would be amazed at the places people lead themselves, when given the time, space, encouragement, and opportunity…
Happy Listening!
Teron