I’m Autistic, and I Do Make Eye-Contact, but it Can Get Me in Trouble!

Making eye-contact is something that does not come naturally to many Autistic people. There are many reasons for this, and the reasons differ from person to person.

For me, it’s because I’m an extremely visual thinker, and I literally look inside my own brain when I’m thinking or talking so I can see my thoughts and words. Making eye-contact distracts me to the point of not being able to think, talk, or communicate effectively.

It can also activate my nervous system in a way that makes it feel like there are little worms wriggling all over the inside of my brain and in my heart. It’s kind of fascinating, but it’s also uncomfortable and just plain gross! It takes a significant toll on my entire system if I have to endure too much of it, and it can push me into shutdown or even, burnout.

I distinctly remember forcing myself to learn to make eye-contact, as a kid, after reading about why it was important, in one of the many books I studied, on body language. Making eye-contact, the book said, would make people trust me more, respect me more, and most importantly - like me more. So, I would sit on the bus, or walk down the street and challenge myself to lock eyes with whoever looked at me.

The thing is… the book said the last one to look away would be the most respected. So, I promised myself to never back down - thinking this would bring the greatest benefit, and put me in the range of what was normal.

Instead, what it did was make me a champion of stare-downs with total strangers, mark me as a whole other kind of weird, and put me at risk for violent confrontations. To this day, I can win a staring contest with just about anyone, but I still tend to hold a gaze either too long, or not long enough.

Too long can sometimes be of benefit in my counselling practice or in close relationships, when someone needs to know I’m paying extra-special attention. But it’s downright dangerous in public spaces because it is largely considered aggressive or threatening.

Not long enough is generally considered non-threatening, so it’s usually the safest option. But it tends to inspire people to think I lack confidence or am trying to hide something - neither of which is true.

I’ve learned to alternate between locking gazes and looking away. But it’s still not natural to me, and my timing is frequently off.

I’ve also learned that in conversation, I can offer the caveat that I need to look into my mind’s eye to think. Often, this simple explanation is all that is needed, and it affords me the space to move through the world in a way that is more natural for me.

-Teron.